It's been two and a half months since I've posted. Bend me over the knee and give me a smack.
But I've been busy. Come sit down and I'll update you with the good and the bad.
One of my best friend's sons has been battling leukemia for the last 3 years. He had a bone marrow transplant 3 months ago and unfortunately, it did not work. I've been supportive and doing a lot of listening. Hard to deal with talk of cremation vs. burial, hospice and an eminent death of a dear 6 year old boy. I have been there since day one and will continue to be there when the end does come. We are hoping he makes it to Christmas but who knows.
The job is ..... a job. Can't bitch about actually having an income that does support my meager lifestyle. But if a better offer came along ...... well, you all know....
Unfortunately I am still married. But there is a platinum lining. The settlement agreement has been signed by both. WOOHOO!! It's only been a year and a half since I started this stressful journey.
Felony and Misdemeanor have been fine. No dropping of grades or anger issues. Still waiting for the speed bump. Either I'm a good parent or his presence really didn't make a huge impact.
So you read the above and are thinking "Damn, that sucks". But don't feel pity for me... I do have some good in my life but I just can't share it right now. It does involve a person and who has shown me what a nice, healthy and loving relationship can be like. And it doesn't hurt that he can curl my toes.....;)
Yes, I'm still alive. Just have been swamped (literally with the flooding) and life. Felony and Misdemeanor are doing fine and I actually am seeing an end to the marriage on the near horizon. I cross my heart and promise that I will update more frequently in the near future. Just insanity but I'm dealing with it okay.
And I promise to take a lot of pics (early New Year's resolution) of the boys for Halloween. They wanted to go as Mario and Luigi. I declined to dress up as Princess Peach since the adult costume was a tad bit short in length and completely looked hookerish.
I think that statement sums it up. Due to the fact that my ex only wants to pay $241 for childcare per month, Misdemeanor has lost his speech slots and occupational slots also. Told my attorney that it's not going to work.
My job has reared its ugly teeth. They fired a very good long term nurse on Friday because she was unable to work full time due to the fact she attended school. The reason was cutting back due to the budget. She was so upset because she was looking forward to getting pregnant with her first. The reasoning for the "budget" I won't even go into. All I can say is that some rash doc made some rash decisions which failed miserably.
The boys have been out of school since Tuesday due to the Flu. Since it was That flu, I was told to stay home because I had a cough. I started my Tamiflu as soon as I got it for preventive measures.
Now I feel like I have got a target on my back. There is no other person who can do my job but I truely dislike my job but should feel lucky to have one. I want to get out of the medical field but I don't know where to go. I kick myself for not finishing college. At least with that, my options would have been better. I'd do well in a corporate office. I work hard and do use my mind a lot. Was looking at grants but it's just not possible. Resume is out but I think the fact that before this job, I wasn't working for three years because I was fighting the State of Georgia for my son is not going to be taken into consideration. His autism needed me more than my job at the time. Don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. Stressed about it so much that I thought that maybe I am not the best caregiver for my boys. I've fought so many years for services they require but I am unsure if I can provide what they need anymore on my own.
Wow, I'm back. Seems just like a few days ago I was on and giving you all the excuses of my last absence. And now here I go again.
Excuse #1 (actually the truth). I've just been so busy. The boys have been starting back to school which entailed massive amounts of shopping. The nanny's last day was Friday and I'm hunting for a new one.
Now that's over and done with.....let's discuss what's going on in my mind. Received an email from my attorney who finally got a settlement proposal. He's dropping it in the mail with his thoughts on it. Hmmmm, wonder what's in it and what he's going to charge me for his thoughts?
It brought up the fear that I've been letting hide for a while. The fear of "can I do this?". So today, I tackled it. I recognized the anxiety I was feeling, acknowledged it and accepted it. It's normal and healthy. Not letting myself go back to the "safety" of what I had. To me, never again. I just am going to go forward and accept things as they come. I may have some doubts sometimes but I am not going to let them drag me down to where I was before. It's only life's little speed bumps. I've gone over much bigger ones in the past and I've always made it over the humps. This is no different. Got my spine and I can do this.
Besides, the anxiety did help me get some really deep cleaning done.
Yeah, the hormone phase has passed. I've been much happier the last week. Have been spending a lot of time with the boys and just enjoying the giggles that they bring. Misdemeanor had me rolling in the aisles of the grocery store with pretending to be a knight and kept calling me "Your Majesty" and kneeling on his knee every time I asked him to do or grab something. "Yes, your Majesty." I spent time laying in bed with them and teaching them to make rude sounds with their lips. We made cupcakes and they have just been so affectionate and kissy. Misdemeanor is out of school again and they leave on Wednesday for a week with their father.
Another week of work and trying to get in trouble is planned. A friend of mine has moved back to Atlanta and I'm looking forward to seeing him again. Had spent many a nights getting drunk and going dancing at a gay clubs with him. I was always the token straight girl in the group.
Also planning on packing X's things to give to him. The phrase that keeps popping in my head is "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda". Not angry or sad just perplexed on what little effort could have kept me from leaving. But dragged out way too long and love was gone beyond repair. I also have learned not to put everyone else's happiness and wants before mine. Did that too long and just got lost and left behind.
I'm in a good place with great friends. I feel love and give love. I know I am having the capacity to open up a bit more and letting people nearer. Life still sometimes scares me BUT ain't getting off of the ride. Enjoying it the new experiences way too much.