Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Wow! I am the epitome of bad blogger.

It's been two and a half months since I've posted. Bend me over the knee and give me a smack.
But I've been busy. Come sit down and I'll update you with the good and the bad.
One of my best friend's sons has been battling leukemia for the last 3 years. He had a bone marrow transplant 3 months ago and unfortunately, it did not work. I've been supportive and doing a lot of listening. Hard to deal with talk of cremation vs. burial, hospice and an eminent death of a dear 6 year old boy. I have been there since day one and will continue to be there when the end does come. We are hoping he makes it to Christmas but who knows.
The job is ..... a job. Can't bitch about actually having an income that does support my meager lifestyle. But if a better offer came along ...... well, you all know....
Unfortunately I am still married. But there is a platinum lining. The settlement agreement has been signed by both. WOOHOO!! It's only been a year and a half since I started this stressful journey.
Felony and Misdemeanor have been fine. No dropping of grades or anger issues. Still waiting for the speed bump. Either I'm a good parent or his presence really didn't make a huge impact.
So you read the above and are thinking "Damn, that sucks". But don't feel pity for me... I do have some good in my life but I just can't share it right now. It does involve a person and who has shown me what a nice, healthy and loving relationship can be like. And it doesn't hurt that he can curl my toes.....;)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

It's alive

Yes, I'm still alive. Just have been swamped (literally with the flooding) and life. Felony and Misdemeanor are doing fine and I actually am seeing an end to the marriage on the near horizon. I cross my heart and promise that I will update more frequently in the near future. Just insanity but I'm dealing with it okay.
And I promise to take a lot of pics (early New Year's resolution) of the boys for Halloween. They wanted to go as Mario and Luigi. I declined to dress up as Princess Peach since the adult costume was a tad bit short in length and completely looked hookerish.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Things have been tough

I think that statement sums it up. Due to the fact that my ex only wants to pay $241 for childcare per month, Misdemeanor has lost his speech slots and occupational slots also. Told my attorney that it's not going to work.

My job has reared its ugly teeth. They fired a very good long term nurse on Friday because she was unable to work full time due to the fact she attended school. The reason was cutting back due to the budget. She was so upset because she was looking forward to getting pregnant with her first. The reasoning for the "budget" I won't even go into. All I can say is that some rash doc made some rash decisions which failed miserably.

The boys have been out of school since Tuesday due to the Flu. Since it was That flu, I was told to stay home because I had a cough. I started my Tamiflu as soon as I got it for preventive measures.

Now I feel like I have got a target on my back. There is no other person who can do my job but I truely dislike my job but should feel lucky to have one. I want to get out of the medical field but I don't know where to go. I kick myself for not finishing college. At least with that, my options would have been better. I'd do well in a corporate office. I work hard and do use my mind a lot. Was looking at grants but it's just not possible. Resume is out but I think the fact that before this job, I wasn't working for three years because I was fighting the State of Georgia for my son is not going to be taken into consideration. His autism needed me more than my job at the time. Don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. Stressed about it so much that I thought that maybe I am not the best caregiver for my boys. I've fought so many years for services they require but I am unsure if I can provide what they need anymore on my own.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I've been awarded.

I've been awarded by Lemmy Caution at Alphaville. Thank you so much.
Now all I have to do is tell you 10 honest things about me.
1. I've worn glasses since I was in 3rd grade. Tried the contacts but they just irritated me. Also found I get taken more seriously when I do wear them.
2. I haven't seen my natural hair color since I was 15.
3. I'm one of those gals who is too lazy to take off her makeup before she goes to sleep.
4. I am always in need of a vacation.
5. I haven't had a cavity since high school.
6. I used to get easily unattached to people to protect myself. Trying really hard to stop that one. Finally trying to experience the whole spectrum of emotions.
7. I think parts of me are on the autism spectrum.
8. I have absolutely no ass. (or boobs now that I am looking at them.... well maybe little bumps)
9. I have a plethora of freckles which I absolutely hate. Always wanted the porcelain white Asian skin but the Irish side won.
10. And now the honest truth, this is really hard because I think I am so boring.
Now the ones I would like to pass this on to are with the same rules of telling 10 honest things about you.:
1. Utah Savage Love her. just wish I had more time.
2. The Peach Tart She will keep you cracking up and she's very honest.
3. The Drug Monkey So good.
4. That's Why I love her just wish I could have the time to read more.
5. Bern This Always got my laughing
6. Pretty But Shallow is funny and real.
7. Mommy with a Penis is great also.
Good night all.
Well Gotta go and get some sleep. 6 AM comes early.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Where has the time gone?

Wow, I'm back. Seems just like a few days ago I was on and giving you all the excuses of my last absence. And now here I go again.
Excuse #1 (actually the truth). I've just been so busy. The boys have been starting back to school which entailed massive amounts of shopping. The nanny's last day was Friday and I'm hunting for a new one.
Now that's over and done with.....let's discuss what's going on in my mind. Received an email from my attorney who finally got a settlement proposal. He's dropping it in the mail with his thoughts on it. Hmmmm, wonder what's in it and what he's going to charge me for his thoughts?
It brought up the fear that I've been letting hide for a while. The fear of "can I do this?". So today, I tackled it. I recognized the anxiety I was feeling, acknowledged it and accepted it. It's normal and healthy. Not letting myself go back to the "safety" of what I had. To me, never again. I just am going to go forward and accept things as they come. I may have some doubts sometimes but I am not going to let them drag me down to where I was before. It's only life's little speed bumps. I've gone over much bigger ones in the past and I've always made it over the humps. This is no different. Got my spine and I can do this.
Besides, the anxiety did help me get some really deep cleaning done.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

LOL.... I forgot the title

Yeah, the hormone phase has passed. I've been much happier the last week. Have been spending a lot of time with the boys and just enjoying the giggles that they bring. Misdemeanor had me rolling in the aisles of the grocery store with pretending to be a knight and kept calling me "Your Majesty" and kneeling on his knee every time I asked him to do or grab something. "Yes, your Majesty." I spent time laying in bed with them and teaching them to make rude sounds with their lips. We made cupcakes and they have just been so affectionate and kissy. Misdemeanor is out of school again and they leave on Wednesday for a week with their father.
Another week of work and trying to get in trouble is planned. A friend of mine has moved back to Atlanta and I'm looking forward to seeing him again. Had spent many a nights getting drunk and going dancing at a gay clubs with him. I was always the token straight girl in the group.
Also planning on packing X's things to give to him. The phrase that keeps popping in my head is "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda". Not angry or sad just perplexed on what little effort could have kept me from leaving. But dragged out way too long and love was gone beyond repair. I also have learned not to put everyone else's happiness and wants before mine. Did that too long and just got lost and left behind.
I'm in a good place with great friends. I feel love and give love. I know I am having the capacity to open up a bit more and letting people nearer. Life still sometimes scares me BUT ain't getting off of the ride. Enjoying it the new experiences way too much.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Identity Crisis Or Just PMSing?

This is a post I've been working on for a while. Coming to terms with my new role in life as a single working mom of two. Enjoying it immensely BUT then I started thinking about my future as a single woman. I dread a dating scene where it's "Hi, I'm NeitherHereNorThere. I'm at the cusp of 40 with two children 10 and less and they'll be in the picture until the youngest is 18 and BTW, did I mention that my eldest is High Functioning Autistic." I see them chewing their legs to run as quickly as they can.
I asked a male friend who is a shrink what was his opinion on older men wanting to date women with children. "Do you want the truth?" "Of course I want the truth!" "Well, as a man I have to say is that the older I get, the more I think they suck." "Gee thanks, can we go back to the whole truth answer. I think I want to change my mind."
I'm coming to the terms that I may be alone for a long while. I have to admit I think I've failed the whole human emotions course of life. I've never really let myself fall in love with anyone. I've always had myself protected very well and never allowed myself to get attached to anyone even the ex. I'm trying to change that but in regards to my love life, I think it's an area that I need to be safe in. I have a fear of being rejected because of who I am: a mom with two kids. I want to experience the whole range of emotions of love but realistically, it's making me cry and I'm not a crier. I'm sitting here with tears running down knowing that the one part I so desperately wanted when I was married is just not possible in my present and future.
Oh, I hope I'm just PMSing and this feeling goes away.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Out of breath... Have a moment so......

I want to thank everyone for their good thoughts and great words.

It's been a little hectic juggling a new job that has me trying to restructure everything. Hard to come into an established practice as the new person but high on the chain of command and seeing so much things going wrong. Luckily I have the support of my boss and she has confidence in me. Trying not to lose my cool and having to deal with "who the heck is she to tell ME how to do MY job?" Too much comfort in their way of doing things but not realizing how much in the way they are not doing their job is affecting the practice's income. I always had the mindset that you have to earn your seat and these women are presently sitting in cushy seats but really deserve wooden foot stools. Going to be a fun FUN (NOT) Monday meeting with all. Have been asked to make a list of ALL the wrong ways things are being done. Have a front desk manager who doesn't seem to keep up with the current regs that the insurance companies are implementing. Heck, I've been out of the business for 4 years and I still am more current than her.

The kids are being the kids. They came back from Florida and have been little ticks on my ass. They are just being so demanding with the little free time I have. Always have hugs and kisses being forced upon me. I don't mind at all though. Will come a time when I'm just not the coolest and best mom anymore.

Still working on trying to get a divorce. It's been over a year since we've seperated and the X still has issues. Still being treated as the beck and call girl in every aspect and he doesn't understand the concept of me not wanting to be his wife any longer. Really wish he would move on and let me go.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Check 1 2 3

Overwhelmed by life. Will be back.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

It's Saturday and the boys are asleep. One in my bed and the other is in his own bed. Tomorrow they leave for a week so I'll be childless for a week. Misdemeanor is upset that I'm not going with them to Florida. He's been really attached today wanting to spend time with me. Very mellow and quiet. Getting him to talk about his feelings is like pulling teeth. With the autism, his self awareness is almost nil. He has all these emotions inside but doesn't understand them and it's hard for him to explain what he is feeling and why. I do dread him being away without some minimal support. His father (the ex) really didn't get involved with the autism. He still hasn't learned to pick up the cues that I can from Misdemeanor on how he is relating to a situation or place. Too much sounds or actions and he just tunes out. I let him know that he can call me anytime that he needs to. Just trying to reassure him that I will be there for him and he can talk to me.

Listening to this

and then Ipod led me back to my roots.

Saw him last year and he still sounds so good. Some music just stands the test of time and becomes a classic.

Trying not to be blue.

Sorry about the advertisement. Couldn't find the video anywhere else.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Inhumane torture Part 2 (aka Where is the missing link in customer service)

So the A/C saga continues. Still no A/C. First guy I found stood me up 3 times with no phone call or no show. Finally he comes out AFTER I left a brief and concise message of how I was going to put my dissatisfaction with his company on every review I could find that was linked to his company. Surprise surprise, he showed up on Friday evening at 5:30 to tell me what I already knew. It wasn't the freon. With the sounds it was making, I knew something else was out of whack. The price he quoted me was $2K. Told him to call me later that evening to discuss possibly setting up a time for Monday. Then I waited and waited and thought and thought. Well, long story short, the guy finally does call at 10:50 p.m. which I was so disgusted with his unprofessionalism that I ignored the call. Didn't hear from him again this weekend. The loser. So called an acquaintance who lives on the other side of ATL and asked her since I knew her hubby was formerly a contractor. Lucky me that her cousin is an A/C guy who came out today and saw the unit and is now fixing it tomorrow for much less than the stupid guy. Now here comes the funny part..... I got a call from him today begging and pleading with me to give him another chance. .... WTF!?!?! Am I in a relationship with this man? He said I should forgive him and think of his kids and that he is a part time preacher who preaches to forgive and give people second chances. I'm so sorry but you have been the most unprofessional service repairman that I've ever had the unfortunate pleasure to call and have to deal with. And BTW, he asked me if I could take down the review I put up on a site that basically said he was a no show/no call 3 times and was very unprofessional and unreliable. Sorry bud but that is staying up. I think if God exists, he would prefer me to tell the truth.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Living in the South w/o A/C is only a degree hotter than hell

My A/C started dying on me on Sunday. Came home and it was making funny noises. The weirdest part was the ring of ice around the tube connecting into the unit and the icicles hanging down. What's a girl to do about that? Call a guy which I did. They told me to turn it off and let it defrost. It apparently does happen in the South. I did. Went grocery shopping and was debating to try and fix the broken ring or hire someone. After reexamining the whole thing, I realized it needed brute strength. Also did several loads of laundry to heat up the defrost process. Next day, turned it back on. Came home to discover my A/C was moaning and groaning and shuddering uncontrollably. OMG, this is going to be the most expensive orgasm I will have to pay for. And it wasn't even mine.

So Tuesday, I made appointment for Wednesday morn between 9 and 9:30. I wait on Wednesday after taking off the morn for work. 9:30 I call. "Hey, this is me and I was trying to get a estimated time of arrival." The RESPONSE...."Hey, I got to answer the phones so can we resched?" Fine.... Saturday.

So hot so did calling around and did find someone who could do it Saturday also. Was going to drop kick first A/C guy tomorrow.

Then a miracle happened. The owner called and said "hey, how's the fixed A/C doing". Was nice and told him the whole situation of what had transpired. He kept apologizing and then SAID "Well, I talked to your husband about it"....WHAT THE HELL. Informed him that I did not have a husband. So now instead of coming on Saturday, he's coming tomorrow after my day at work and not charging me the service fee and taking off $10 every pound of freon I may need.

And I only got 15% on the Face Book "how bitchy are you" quiz.

Finally the temp upstairs is dropping to 79.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Maybe her shelf life will be longer

Damn, thought she was just a studio produced blonde bimbo with no talent but a catchy techno song. I was wrong. Hope they let her do more acoustic.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Work is killing my "social" life

Only one week has passed since I've been back to the working class and I am just plain exhausted of juggling kids, finding a nanny (would love to do daycare but Misdemeanor has so many appointments and school), preparing to work, and working full time. I am trying to absorb and fix so many problems at work that I feel needs to be tackled and solved all at once. Think I'm a little OCD. Must learn to handle one fire at a time or else I'm going to go crazy and take some people with me when I finally snap. So it's gotten to the point that I am so brain dead to write anything witty or smart (but then again, have I ever done it in the past?). Haven't had the time to keep up on what other bloggers are writing and I feel so bad because I AM interested but my body and life has to get to a point where they both can coexist in peaceful harmony. Haven't reached that point yet. When I do, I'll be commenting and posting and keeping up with all the interesting and wonderful people I have found. And one day, I'll finally get to meet the ones here in Atlanta. One day my life will reach a point of Zen.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Meet my new best friend

Do you like my new grindstone? My last one looked like this-------> .

Started new job today. YEAH!!! Been nanny searching like crazy. EI is under the impression that child support will also include childcare expenses.... Come on, people, laugh with me..... He's extending a "loan" to cover my childcare expenses until I get some salary coming in. I told him to bite me and get some legal counsel from his attorney that he is not utilizing in a useful manner. Informed him that childcare expenses are added on top of child support. He pays a portion and I pay a portion. He had a hard time understanding that concept of him actually having to *gasp* give me some money. I so need this to end soon. Has been dragging way way way too long.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

You've been on my mind.....

Now get off, you're too darn heavy. No, seriously, I know I've been away but let's take a quick step in the way back machine and you'll see why.

Saturday- Took the boys to the Aquarium. ARGH!!! What was I thinking?!?!?! On a Saturday.

Sunday-Spent time with Misdemeanor and Felony before they went to their father's for a week.

Monday- Dreading Tuesday.

Tuesday- Mediation. Accomplished absolutely nothing but spent a lot of money doing it. Apparently God told him that he needs to have custody of the children. And God also said he needed to make me sell the house and move to closer to his sister's so I can take care of the children's educational and health needs while he retains custody. WTF?!?!?!?! Everyone but him knows there is a snowballs chance in hell for him to win custody. I've got speech therapists, occupational therapists, developmental pediatricians, and other professionals who are laughing and willing to be on my side because in the last 9+ years, they have barely seen him be involved as a parent. Left as an impasse. Next stop. Waiting for court date. Apparently all (my attorney and mediator say that someone has a control issue and has problems letting go)

(Meanwhile during this week, I've been searching for a nanny. Daycare would not pick Misdemeanor up from Extended School Year or be able to take him to all his therapies)

Wednesday- On my meanderings for childcare, I received a phone call in regards to a resume I sent weeks ago. Now I already verbally accepted a part time job for shit hours and shit pay but hey, it was a job. So I said "what the hell". Told her that I had accepted a job but she insisted on meeting me. I'll go. Met with her and she LOVED me. Offered me position on the spot. Operations Manager for Pediatric Cardiovascular clinics. YEAH!!!

The ICING: I can pay all my bills and bank the child support!!!

- Shopping for work clothes. I hate/loathe shopping. May have found nanny. Meeting her on Sunday. But do have temp sitter for next week so I have a week's leeway.

Kids come back on Sunday and I totally feel like I haven't had any downtime at all.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Feeling like Sugar

Still trying to figure out which is the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

This has been a hard week. Blues or the mean reds? Just laying up under the surface with flareups of emotions. Dealing with emotions for the first time is very very hard. Trying to figure which side is up and which side is down. Adding and trying to figure out other people's emotions is additional insanity. Everything is layered and sometimes I just don't feel like spending the time peeling back the layers. My life is already complicated enough.

Evil Twin Powers....Activate

Took the boy's to the Aquarium today. None of us have ever been. They will be with their father starting tomorrow for a week. Misdemeanor was fine except for the chewing of his fingers in dealing with the insanity of the crowds. He liked it. Felony was ready to go home after the first exhibit. How quickly their little personalities grow so divergent from the other. How quickly mom was glad for a little Xanax to deal with both of them. Will go again but never again on a weekend.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The end of another year

And the once a year obligatory cake I make. I just am not a baker. At least this year, I'm getting better with frosting the darn thing. I can spackle a wall really good but do tend to massacre the cake. They chose strawberry cake this year.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My day before 10 a.m. in images

Not in any particular order.

Present image:

Sunday, May 17, 2009

X ----> Butt Pimple-------> Evil Incarnate

Had a little break this weekend. Good to just unwind sometimes but alas, back to reality.

EI and I are having our divorce mediation in one week. Visitation is definitely going to be addressed. He thinks it's perfectly appropriate to change up on me and I just have to scramble to figure that day out. I change my plans to accommodate him. So today I asked him if he'd be willing to take them one day early for first week long visitation. Surprise the answer was no. Then was told by him that visitation is not something he is required to abide by. Since I am primary custodian of the children, I should be at his beck and call when he thinks he has the time. I can honestly say that he truly sucks at being a father.

I need funny ha ha...not funny sad.....

Also have been spending my free alternate Sunday afternoons with a very close friend's child who is 5 1/2 at the children's hospital. He had a leukemia relapse and is now going through the process of getting him ready for a bone marrow transplant. He also has Down's Syndrome. I was around when he first got diagnosed and now they're back to square one. Giving him and his wife and younger son some regular time. He spends so much time at the hospital practically living there. So for the next 6+ months, I'll be there every other Sunday for 5 hours. Very emotionally draining but also grateful for the friends that I have and truly care about and doing what I can to ease their world.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Yep, the wrists are still virgin

No slash marks on the wrist after the last few brutal days. Did have some good news. Mediation for divorce has been set.

Had interview yesterday and another today. Getting interviews. That is at least good news. Know some people who haven't even had that hope. Have to land something soon.

Did pick a book. If I actually learn something, you'll see it soon.

Monday, May 11, 2009

It's Monday and looking at my schedule.... Oy Vey!

I can officially say that this may be the worst Monday I can remember.
1. Had to turn over summer visitation scheduling to attorney. WTF?!?!?! After 2.5 weeks of asking in writing for scheduling visitation FIVE separate times and getting absolutely no response and two days of being yelled to "shut the f#@k up", I gave up.
2. Martyr Queen informed me yesterday that she is having gallbladder surgery today. Spoke to her 1.5 weeks ago. She's still pissed at me for not doing what she wants. How long will it be before she cuts another child out of her life.
3. My half sister (by my biological father). Her mother (who is wife #2 of #5) was supposed to start her trial today for pedophilia. Her ex husband (not bio father but man after) was arrested and convicted of sexual molestation of young boys. Apparently she offered her sons to this man for years and then her grandsons. Half sister just wants this to end. Trial has been rescheduled.
4. For the first time ever, I was late to my son's OT appt. It was so out of character for me they were concerned. I've always been predictable and reliable. After school, the boys did homework and then I took them to the park before therapy. I guess I just had a brain fart. It's just been one of those days.

I'm ready for my close up now.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's day

I'm on a river in Egypt. To those who celebrate, enjoy.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Misdemeanor is dragging a skeleton half out of my closet

So after several years of owning Guitar Hero, Misdemeanor picked it back up and attempted it again. After listening to several horrible songs they made him play, my ears picked up a familiar song of my youth. Little did I know he would be singing the chorus over and over again after he stopped playing the game.

Still trying to get him to learn that different appearances are good and that people with mohawks are cool. Think he would have a hard time with the concept that Mommy used to be one of those goth/punk weirdos.

Friday, May 8, 2009

I have a tiger eye

Wouldn't change it for the world.

I actually despise Autism Speaks, Cure Autism Now and most of the other autism groups for a lot of reasons. First off, all their videos show children on the extreme tantrum spectrum. Not all autistic children are like that. Mine isn't. He internalizes his anxiety which makes it much harder to tell when he is having problems. So my child who is not a "problem child" gets ignored. Second reason is why I dislike them is their distribution of their monies. Monies from Autism Walk and etc. is not going to therapies that is usually not covered by private insurance and getting services through the school systems is a joke. Most of this raised/brought in money is not going to help children/teenagers who need services NOW. It's going to funding labs and etc. Who knows if there is ever going to be a cure for Autism. All I want to know is what is going to happen to the next generation of children when they reach adult hood.

Update: Just read that "news piece". My head is spinning. There is no current cure for Autism.

Update to the update: Just figured out my frigging links don't work. Apologies. Will figure it out sometime soon.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The aftermath of last week's little pity party

Got package today...

Yeah, I could always use the skirt.

A girl always needs a va-va-voom dress

Now what the hell was I thinking ordering 5" heels?

It's a wonderful life aka hey I finally mowed the lawn

Ow ow ow OUCH! Don't know what the heck I've been doing but woke up with right shoulder/neck pain. Maybe too much mouse play. Anyways, it's a breezy, really overcast day with expected flooding and thunderstorms. Perfect day to attempt to mow the lawn. Being newly single and the kiddies not old enough to actually be useful in manual labor, I knew it was something I would have to do. Until I find employment, can't afford to pay someone to do it. And I must say it wasn't that bad. It only took me 15 minutes to figure out how to start the mower. Pushing and pulling was a strain but did accidentally pushed a lever and VOILA, self propulsion... Wow.. it was easy from there.
Viva la freedom revolution!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I blame the cat

Went to bed after midnight and did turn alarm on. Alarm went off. Hit the snooze button. Went off again and got up. Little dark outside. Hmmm. Made coffee. Woke up the kiddies and fed them breakfast. Drank coffee. Got their teeth brushed, dressed and ready for school. Crap, forgot cellphone upstairs. Actually looked at time on phone. WTF!?!?!?! 4:30 a.m. All crawled back in bed for 3 more hours. It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?
But hey, my day just brightened up by reading this: The British are showing brilliance in some of their choices of whom to exclude.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Marriage Certificate has got a hot date

Whenever it is finally complete and done, going to introduce Mr. Certificate to a new friend called Ms. Grill.

And yes, I plan on YouTubing it and posting a link. Maybe even a party.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Counting sheep with an AK-47

I'm tired. Just went to a meeting to support special needs children in my county. Misdemeanor is autistic and I've learned that playing nice and waiting for services through the county or the state is just not reality. So I have developed into a ball-busting, titty-twisting ball of fire.
Tonight was a meeting that if I had known who the real "sponsor" was, I'd not have wasted 2.5 hours of my life. Left with heartburn. The info they gave out to parents was outdated and so basically....untruthful. And the sheep just grazed on it. Most of the parents I meet do not take the time or initiative and educate themselves on what their children can get. Rather than educate themselves, they rely on others to do it for them. Unfortunately, the people they turn to have hidden agendas of whatever agency they are working for. I always question and find out for myself. Isn't that why we have curiosity? Rather than wait for the small amount (if any) the state/school/county decides to dish out, get up off your knees and go advocate for your child. Now if more parents did that, we would make changes for all the children in Georgia. One person's fight is not going to make a difference for many. Need a few to spread the word and educate parents to give them the power to fight. Quit relying on me to get your child what he needs if I can't rely on you to join me in the battle. I'm tired. Still looking for job. Economy sucks and wish I could get paid to do this. Then I could pay mys bills and also do good. Ugh... feel the need to have little feet walking up and down my spine. 10 second massage with mini tweezers hands and the "is that enough, mom" sounds like just what I need. Damn, they're asleep. Tomorrow.....

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Heart(less) and Soul(ess) of My Family Tree

Just got phone call from my mother. She's been a little ill. Truthfully most of her little "illnesses" have been self inflicted. Anytime one of her children disappointed her or didn't agree with her, she took to her bed for days. After years of worrying, we children grew up and figured it out that she was just plain manipulative. Continues to this day. Will get into that more but first a short story about The Martyr Queen who if she could would nail herself to a cross.

"Martyr Queen was born in a small village in an Asian country. Her mother had died when she was young and she was left with two elder sisters who abandoned the family and a father who taught her the meaning of love. Love to him was blind devotion and taking the physical and emotional abuse he doled out frequently. When she worked, she would go and buy cigarette and alcohol and kneel before him with her gifts (and the rest of her pay). Being beaten at his whim was never questioned even if it wasn't deserved. One day she met an American soldier and fell in love. They married and had a child. When his tour of duty in her country was over, they moved to the US. Martyr Queen was very unhappy in her new country and her new in-laws did not welcome her. She missed her father. When her father learned of her longing to see him again, he blew his brains out so she would have no reason to come back to her country. That was the meaning of love. Martyr Queen had another child but still had difficulties in adapting to her new home. She once stood over an overpass with her two young children in her arms and was prepared to throw herself and her children to their deaths. But the eldest child who was the only one able to talk, looked at her mother and said she wanted to go home. The marriage ended and Martyr Queen took the children and left the state. The children never saw their father again until they were 18. "

Don't get me wrong. I do have empathy and am amazed by her accomplishments. But also the cycle of abuse she suffered, she continued and justified it as the definition of love. This is the Disney version of my childhood. If you didn't do as she said, she'd crawl into her bed, beat you physically or emotionally or cut you off from the family until YOU apologized to her. Being told year after year growing up of how she should have just killed us all because of our failure to do as she asked and how she should have just given us up has taken out the connection of mother and child. Her youngest child from first marriage hasn't spoken to her in 17 years. And I, the eldest, am trying to become a human being for the first time. As long as I can remember, I completely shut off my emotions because they were a liability to survive with her. The walls that I built to survive are being taken down brick by brick. The damage allowed me to walk away from past relationships and situations without a look back. They also allowed me to stay in a marriage and accept the disintegration of myself for too many years. I finally realized how unhealthy it was for me emotionally, mentally and physically to live this way. I've already given so many years to make others happy and neglected myself. I own up to my past mistakes but am refusing to allow her to drag them up in every conversation and use them to beat me down. Come on, what I did 20 years ago should not be used against me today.

Martyr Queen has surrounded herself with a husband who has handed his manhood on a platter to her to keep the peace and an autistic son from that marriage who was never allowed to attempt anything. She finally has one child she can control. Though recently during Spring Break, I asked her a question that I and other mothers of autistic children have asked each other. "If they had a prenatal test for autism like they do for Down's Syndrome, would you terminate the child?" Her answer was a loud "Yes, my family would be so much better if he wasn't around. Life was so much better." I realized how deep her resentment of my brother was and her denial in her part of his upbringing. She brought him up to always stay with her. She never enjoyed being a mother and refuses to accept her failure at it. *btw, this is the woman who asked me on my wedding day on the way to the church if "she was an abusive mother*. I know she will never change and all I can do is keep her at arm's length and NEVER EVER leave her alone with my children. I am successfully breaking the cycle and are on the path of raising some children with self-respect, self-confidence and the knowledge that no matter how much they can fuck up that even though I will be disappointed sometimes that I will always love them. Love being the black sheep and rebel in my family.

*** Update: Woke up this morning and said WTF?!?!?! Need less bitching and wallowing in self-pity. Letting it stay but wanting to be less gloom and doom. Need to be more piss and vinegar.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Introducing the permanent cast

The cast of characters will probably come and go and some may just be dropped kicked right off the stage but the permanent cast are the ones who are in my life whether I love them or not. Some of them I have to deal with due to fear, obligation and guilt. Hopefully they will exit offstage eventually but right now they absolutely refuse to budge. Others I legally have to put up with. And a few, I just absolutely love and can't imagine ever not having them in my life. Still working on their pseudonyms. Will try NOT to change them in future but hey, some words just fit personalities better.

The Cast:

Misdemeanor- My eldest child. He's 9 and a complete joy. He's also HFA and is doing great and smart as a whip. He's more like me in that he internalizes his stress. So hard to read what he's feeling but he's always willing to give hugs and kisses. I think I'll only have to pay a small fine in his teenage years.

Felony-He's the youngest at 6. Little vein of evilness is part of his makeup. Thinks being cute will excuse his behavior. It's working. With him, I'll probably have to second mortgage the house for his first offense.

X(unofficially but hopefully official soon) aka ..... (you fill in the blank) The names running through my head would make me wash out my mouth with soap.

X's family-Ummm, no comment at this time.

Next time, I'll finish introducing the rest of the cast known as Dysfunctional 'R Us or just known as my side of the family.

At the beginning

Always wanted to start a blog. Just never had the time. Now deciding that instead of being at the beck and call of others, I'm actually going to put myself first for a small amount of time and do this for me.

So who am I? Still figuring that one out. The facts are easy. I'm 39, 2 kids and headed for a most acrimonious divorce. Was always considered by others to be very independent and strong but somehow in 16 years, I lost that person and now rediscovering her again. Found myself turning into someone who I didn't recognize and knew I deserved the right to have emotions and respect instead of just putting them in a box and ignoring them for a decade. Discovered the unhealthiness of living like that and decided to make a change. Realized that if I was going to be SuperWoman(i.e. mom and dad to two boys who one is autistic, healthcare advocate, education advocate, chaffeur, cook, housewife, cum dump, baggage dumping ground, etc. etc.), I would rather do it without the criticisms, armchair quarterbacking, emotional blackmail and the non-reality he lived in. And besides the fact that in 6 years, he never learned anything about autism and had so many unrealistic goals for child.

So to wrap up first blog. So what am I going to write about in the future? Well I predict that first few will be getting some things off my chest and the rest will be about me and my growth into becoming a human being with feelings again. Now don't worry, all my posts will not be heavy. I use to have a wicked sense of humor and I'm trying to retap into that vein. Know it's there...