Thursday, April 30, 2009

Counting sheep with an AK-47

I'm tired. Just went to a meeting to support special needs children in my county. Misdemeanor is autistic and I've learned that playing nice and waiting for services through the county or the state is just not reality. So I have developed into a ball-busting, titty-twisting ball of fire.
Tonight was a meeting that if I had known who the real "sponsor" was, I'd not have wasted 2.5 hours of my life. Left with heartburn. The info they gave out to parents was outdated and so basically....untruthful. And the sheep just grazed on it. Most of the parents I meet do not take the time or initiative and educate themselves on what their children can get. Rather than educate themselves, they rely on others to do it for them. Unfortunately, the people they turn to have hidden agendas of whatever agency they are working for. I always question and find out for myself. Isn't that why we have curiosity? Rather than wait for the small amount (if any) the state/school/county decides to dish out, get up off your knees and go advocate for your child. Now if more parents did that, we would make changes for all the children in Georgia. One person's fight is not going to make a difference for many. Need a few to spread the word and educate parents to give them the power to fight. Quit relying on me to get your child what he needs if I can't rely on you to join me in the battle. I'm tired. Still looking for job. Economy sucks and wish I could get paid to do this. Then I could pay mys bills and also do good. Ugh... feel the need to have little feet walking up and down my spine. 10 second massage with mini tweezers hands and the "is that enough, mom" sounds like just what I need. Damn, they're asleep. Tomorrow.....

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Heart(less) and Soul(ess) of My Family Tree

Just got phone call from my mother. She's been a little ill. Truthfully most of her little "illnesses" have been self inflicted. Anytime one of her children disappointed her or didn't agree with her, she took to her bed for days. After years of worrying, we children grew up and figured it out that she was just plain manipulative. Continues to this day. Will get into that more but first a short story about The Martyr Queen who if she could would nail herself to a cross.

"Martyr Queen was born in a small village in an Asian country. Her mother had died when she was young and she was left with two elder sisters who abandoned the family and a father who taught her the meaning of love. Love to him was blind devotion and taking the physical and emotional abuse he doled out frequently. When she worked, she would go and buy cigarette and alcohol and kneel before him with her gifts (and the rest of her pay). Being beaten at his whim was never questioned even if it wasn't deserved. One day she met an American soldier and fell in love. They married and had a child. When his tour of duty in her country was over, they moved to the US. Martyr Queen was very unhappy in her new country and her new in-laws did not welcome her. She missed her father. When her father learned of her longing to see him again, he blew his brains out so she would have no reason to come back to her country. That was the meaning of love. Martyr Queen had another child but still had difficulties in adapting to her new home. She once stood over an overpass with her two young children in her arms and was prepared to throw herself and her children to their deaths. But the eldest child who was the only one able to talk, looked at her mother and said she wanted to go home. The marriage ended and Martyr Queen took the children and left the state. The children never saw their father again until they were 18. "

Don't get me wrong. I do have empathy and am amazed by her accomplishments. But also the cycle of abuse she suffered, she continued and justified it as the definition of love. This is the Disney version of my childhood. If you didn't do as she said, she'd crawl into her bed, beat you physically or emotionally or cut you off from the family until YOU apologized to her. Being told year after year growing up of how she should have just killed us all because of our failure to do as she asked and how she should have just given us up has taken out the connection of mother and child. Her youngest child from first marriage hasn't spoken to her in 17 years. And I, the eldest, am trying to become a human being for the first time. As long as I can remember, I completely shut off my emotions because they were a liability to survive with her. The walls that I built to survive are being taken down brick by brick. The damage allowed me to walk away from past relationships and situations without a look back. They also allowed me to stay in a marriage and accept the disintegration of myself for too many years. I finally realized how unhealthy it was for me emotionally, mentally and physically to live this way. I've already given so many years to make others happy and neglected myself. I own up to my past mistakes but am refusing to allow her to drag them up in every conversation and use them to beat me down. Come on, what I did 20 years ago should not be used against me today.

Martyr Queen has surrounded herself with a husband who has handed his manhood on a platter to her to keep the peace and an autistic son from that marriage who was never allowed to attempt anything. She finally has one child she can control. Though recently during Spring Break, I asked her a question that I and other mothers of autistic children have asked each other. "If they had a prenatal test for autism like they do for Down's Syndrome, would you terminate the child?" Her answer was a loud "Yes, my family would be so much better if he wasn't around. Life was so much better." I realized how deep her resentment of my brother was and her denial in her part of his upbringing. She brought him up to always stay with her. She never enjoyed being a mother and refuses to accept her failure at it. *btw, this is the woman who asked me on my wedding day on the way to the church if "she was an abusive mother*. I know she will never change and all I can do is keep her at arm's length and NEVER EVER leave her alone with my children. I am successfully breaking the cycle and are on the path of raising some children with self-respect, self-confidence and the knowledge that no matter how much they can fuck up that even though I will be disappointed sometimes that I will always love them. Love being the black sheep and rebel in my family.

*** Update: Woke up this morning and said WTF?!?!?! Need less bitching and wallowing in self-pity. Letting it stay but wanting to be less gloom and doom. Need to be more piss and vinegar.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Introducing the permanent cast

The cast of characters will probably come and go and some may just be dropped kicked right off the stage but the permanent cast are the ones who are in my life whether I love them or not. Some of them I have to deal with due to fear, obligation and guilt. Hopefully they will exit offstage eventually but right now they absolutely refuse to budge. Others I legally have to put up with. And a few, I just absolutely love and can't imagine ever not having them in my life. Still working on their pseudonyms. Will try NOT to change them in future but hey, some words just fit personalities better.

The Cast:

Misdemeanor- My eldest child. He's 9 and a complete joy. He's also HFA and is doing great and smart as a whip. He's more like me in that he internalizes his stress. So hard to read what he's feeling but he's always willing to give hugs and kisses. I think I'll only have to pay a small fine in his teenage years.

Felony-He's the youngest at 6. Little vein of evilness is part of his makeup. Thinks being cute will excuse his behavior. It's working. With him, I'll probably have to second mortgage the house for his first offense.

X(unofficially but hopefully official soon) aka ..... (you fill in the blank) The names running through my head would make me wash out my mouth with soap.

X's family-Ummm, no comment at this time.

Next time, I'll finish introducing the rest of the cast known as Dysfunctional 'R Us or just known as my side of the family.

At the beginning

Always wanted to start a blog. Just never had the time. Now deciding that instead of being at the beck and call of others, I'm actually going to put myself first for a small amount of time and do this for me.

So who am I? Still figuring that one out. The facts are easy. I'm 39, 2 kids and headed for a most acrimonious divorce. Was always considered by others to be very independent and strong but somehow in 16 years, I lost that person and now rediscovering her again. Found myself turning into someone who I didn't recognize and knew I deserved the right to have emotions and respect instead of just putting them in a box and ignoring them for a decade. Discovered the unhealthiness of living like that and decided to make a change. Realized that if I was going to be SuperWoman(i.e. mom and dad to two boys who one is autistic, healthcare advocate, education advocate, chaffeur, cook, housewife, cum dump, baggage dumping ground, etc. etc.), I would rather do it without the criticisms, armchair quarterbacking, emotional blackmail and the non-reality he lived in. And besides the fact that in 6 years, he never learned anything about autism and had so many unrealistic goals for child.

So to wrap up first blog. So what am I going to write about in the future? Well I predict that first few will be getting some things off my chest and the rest will be about me and my growth into becoming a human being with feelings again. Now don't worry, all my posts will not be heavy. I use to have a wicked sense of humor and I'm trying to retap into that vein. Know it's there...