Sunday, July 26, 2009

LOL.... I forgot the title

Yeah, the hormone phase has passed. I've been much happier the last week. Have been spending a lot of time with the boys and just enjoying the giggles that they bring. Misdemeanor had me rolling in the aisles of the grocery store with pretending to be a knight and kept calling me "Your Majesty" and kneeling on his knee every time I asked him to do or grab something. "Yes, your Majesty." I spent time laying in bed with them and teaching them to make rude sounds with their lips. We made cupcakes and they have just been so affectionate and kissy. Misdemeanor is out of school again and they leave on Wednesday for a week with their father.
Another week of work and trying to get in trouble is planned. A friend of mine has moved back to Atlanta and I'm looking forward to seeing him again. Had spent many a nights getting drunk and going dancing at a gay clubs with him. I was always the token straight girl in the group.
Also planning on packing X's things to give to him. The phrase that keeps popping in my head is "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda". Not angry or sad just perplexed on what little effort could have kept me from leaving. But dragged out way too long and love was gone beyond repair. I also have learned not to put everyone else's happiness and wants before mine. Did that too long and just got lost and left behind.
I'm in a good place with great friends. I feel love and give love. I know I am having the capacity to open up a bit more and letting people nearer. Life still sometimes scares me BUT ain't getting off of the ride. Enjoying it the new experiences way too much.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Identity Crisis Or Just PMSing?

This is a post I've been working on for a while. Coming to terms with my new role in life as a single working mom of two. Enjoying it immensely BUT then I started thinking about my future as a single woman. I dread a dating scene where it's "Hi, I'm NeitherHereNorThere. I'm at the cusp of 40 with two children 10 and less and they'll be in the picture until the youngest is 18 and BTW, did I mention that my eldest is High Functioning Autistic." I see them chewing their legs to run as quickly as they can.
I asked a male friend who is a shrink what was his opinion on older men wanting to date women with children. "Do you want the truth?" "Of course I want the truth!" "Well, as a man I have to say is that the older I get, the more I think they suck." "Gee thanks, can we go back to the whole truth answer. I think I want to change my mind."
I'm coming to the terms that I may be alone for a long while. I have to admit I think I've failed the whole human emotions course of life. I've never really let myself fall in love with anyone. I've always had myself protected very well and never allowed myself to get attached to anyone even the ex. I'm trying to change that but in regards to my love life, I think it's an area that I need to be safe in. I have a fear of being rejected because of who I am: a mom with two kids. I want to experience the whole range of emotions of love but realistically, it's making me cry and I'm not a crier. I'm sitting here with tears running down knowing that the one part I so desperately wanted when I was married is just not possible in my present and future.
Oh, I hope I'm just PMSing and this feeling goes away.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Out of breath... Have a moment so......

I want to thank everyone for their good thoughts and great words.

It's been a little hectic juggling a new job that has me trying to restructure everything. Hard to come into an established practice as the new person but high on the chain of command and seeing so much things going wrong. Luckily I have the support of my boss and she has confidence in me. Trying not to lose my cool and having to deal with "who the heck is she to tell ME how to do MY job?" Too much comfort in their way of doing things but not realizing how much in the way they are not doing their job is affecting the practice's income. I always had the mindset that you have to earn your seat and these women are presently sitting in cushy seats but really deserve wooden foot stools. Going to be a fun FUN (NOT) Monday meeting with all. Have been asked to make a list of ALL the wrong ways things are being done. Have a front desk manager who doesn't seem to keep up with the current regs that the insurance companies are implementing. Heck, I've been out of the business for 4 years and I still am more current than her.

The kids are being the kids. They came back from Florida and have been little ticks on my ass. They are just being so demanding with the little free time I have. Always have hugs and kisses being forced upon me. I don't mind at all though. Will come a time when I'm just not the coolest and best mom anymore.

Still working on trying to get a divorce. It's been over a year since we've seperated and the X still has issues. Still being treated as the beck and call girl in every aspect and he doesn't understand the concept of me not wanting to be his wife any longer. Really wish he would move on and let me go.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Check 1 2 3

Overwhelmed by life. Will be back.