This is a post I've been working on for a while. Coming to terms with my new role in life as a single working mom of two. Enjoying it immensely BUT then I started thinking about my future as a single woman. I dread a dating scene where it's "Hi, I'm NeitherHereNorThere. I'm at the cusp of 40 with two children 10 and less and they'll be in the picture until the youngest is 18 and BTW, did I mention that my eldest is High Functioning Autistic." I see them chewing their legs to run as quickly as they can.
I asked a male friend who is a shrink what was his opinion on older men wanting to date women with children. "Do you want the truth?" "Of course I want the truth!" "Well, as a man I have to say is that the older I get, the more I think they suck." "Gee thanks, can we go back to the whole truth answer. I think I want to change my mind."
I'm coming to the terms that I may be alone for a long while. I have to admit I think I've failed the whole human emotions course of life. I've never really let myself fall in love with anyone. I've always had myself protected very well and never allowed myself to get attached to anyone even the ex. I'm trying to change that but in regards to my love life, I think it's an area that I need to be safe in. I have a fear of being rejected because of who I am: a mom with two kids. I want to experience the whole range of emotions of love but realistically, it's making me cry and I'm not a crier. I'm sitting here with tears running down knowing that the one part I so desperately wanted when I was married is just not possible in my present and future.
Oh, I hope I'm just PMSing and this feeling goes away.
I am feeling sad for you. I was 30 with a baby when my marriage ended. I met a guy (a single dad) when I was 32. We're not married (nor in the same house - so in many ways, I'm still alone), but still "together" - 12 years now.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of what helped was realizing early on that the conventional set-up for marriage didn't have to be the ideal. There are many ways to have a partnership and a family.
I remember feeling like I couldn't date until my child was 18. Or feeling like it would be more convenient if I liked women (my ex did a number on me). Definitely feeling like no man would be interested in a woman with a toddler.
I am blogging in your comment section, but I just wanted to say hi and I totally get where you're coming from.
Also, I'm wicked PMS.
Hang in there.
My Mama always said "there's a lid for every pot".
ReplyDeleteYou are still young and while there may be some men who will run, there are good men out there who won't.
I got divorced when my daughter was 6 months old and met a great man a few years later. We were together for over 10 good years.
Just keep working on yourself to be the best you can be. Take care of your children. When you least expect it he just might show up.
I'm sorry you're in such pain. Big hugs honey.
Your feelings are normal. Some men love kids.
ReplyDeleteI love kids, but I also love being able to hand them back to their owners. The key is, as I see it, being able to take your fears and let them guide you towards greater health, at which point you will find a good guy who you really love and who deserves you. He's out there, but I think you probably need to heal yourself completely before you cross that bridge.
A very trusted therapist told me that 6-9 months after a breakup is the minimum one should stay single before going back into the dating pool.
I met my dream man online after dating assholes who hated kids for a decade. Though I often thought I would never meet anyone, later it was worth the wait. I lost hope a thousand times and had actually given up when he accidentally popped up. I was helping a friend do her profile on Yahoo when I saw him.Three weeks later we met, fell in love over lunch at Zaxby's and gave marriage another go at it.
ReplyDeleteKeep the faith! Your a great mom, a strong woman, and can do this. There are great guys out there, I meet them all the time now that I'm married, so I know it's true.
It was the PMSing but big thanks to you all for your very good advice. I needed it. Must be my mother projecting her thoughts to my brain. Must cut that link.
ReplyDeleteOnly a Movie-You totally rock. Thanks for letting me finally figure out that I don't need the conventional relationship. Does give me hope. Just need sane and mature.
Mr. K- I think I've been slowly nursing the breakup for the last 7 years. Ready to try again and do it more sanely and not put others needs before mine. Will keep me as an equal this time.
Miss Peach and Lisa- Am so looking forward to meeting you both this weekend. Think you'll have me rolling on the floor and crying hysterically at my sheer stupidity. Know you both will give me a good needed kick in how to be a modern woman again.
Big hugs and thanks to all... seriously
Hey - being a 40 something single parent that hasn't had a date in over 2 years, it's not fun. BUT... I'm confident that I'll find someone that wants a slightly overweight, opinionated, loud-mouthed, sometimes works without a filter ME. If not, then screw 'em if they can't take a joke. :)
ReplyDeleteyou're not alone.You have your kids.
ReplyDeleteAlso you don't have to be 'not alone' to be happy
I am not a single mommy but from what I can tell men don't really run screaming from chicks with kids.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you'll be alone forever or along time unless you want to be.